Reaching out to Rebbe Adam. But does He really mean it this time? God Apologizes To Rabbis!
Breaking News:
Dateline: Heaven City, Heaven
June 12, 2019 Anno Something-Or-The-Other
In a stunning policy reversal, Almighty God has announced that He has been wrong all these millennia and is now apologizing to rabbis and Pharisees everywhere.
“The Talmud records Me as saying ‘My sons have rebelled against Me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.’ It was an agreement they forced on Me Magna Carta-style to share decision-making about truth and running the universe. But I’m here today to confess that, deep in My heart of hearts, I never meant it and have always been working in sneaky ways to wrest back control.”
When asked for specifics He offered up, “Well, for instance the aide and comfort I gave to the Enlightenment, academic scholarship, freedom paradigms, dictionaries, stuff like that. But perhaps worst of all, My support for that deceiving mamzer Jesus Christ who tormented My sons with doubt all this time. I now see that manipulation, propaganda and creating a false reality is the way to go.”
Getting Religion
The long-famous Deity was asked if there was any one thing that really pushed Him over the edge. “Well, to tell you the truth, there did come a day when I decided to take a page out of My Chaos Candidate’s playbook, Donald Trump. So I started watching Fox News to find out what I ought to think about things.”
The Fox Effect
“I think it hit critical mass one morning while watching Doocy and friends. They triple-teamed My brain—maybe it was too early in the morning and I hadn’t had my coffee yet. No, wait, wait, I’m already starting to doubt again! But what they said, I can’t remember what it was, but it all hit Me like a world-class slap-to-the-forehead revelation and I said, “Oy vey, where have I been all these years?”
Breaking it down for the Big Guy. Such a naughty boy!
“I mean, like all that time I told Myself I had Eternity of Being, that I sustained reality all by Myself, was Immutable and couldn’t change or grow because I was already perfect. What was I thinking!?!”
When asked if this includes the abandonment of “tropes” and hurtful stereotypes He frankly admitted, “Yes, I’ve called My people stiff-necked and uncircumcised, what?, maybe 8 or 9 times in the Bible? I mean, what words haven’t I used? Harlots, rebels, troops of robbers, backsliding heifers… How could they ever forgive Me?!”
To soften His image, He’s agreed to take Hebrew classes. “That always gets a rise out of the crowd when I do a speech now,” He said. “I mean, what good Jewish kid hasn’t died having to sit through all that? They start elbowing one another, laugh and nod. No wait! Is it OK to say that?”
At that the Venerable, looking a little frail asked to be excused. His new Communications Director Lord Lucifer took over and allowed one more question. It was about what practical steps He’s been taking to make amends. “Afternoon therapy sessions with Laura Schlessinger,” was the terse reply.
Asked to comment, the Israeli Director of Intelligence was curt: “Well, it’s about time.”
